Continued rambling

I know, I am not being a good blogger by writing these long rambling posts but I just have some thoughts I need to get out.

I wonder if the inconsistent contact I have with people, the lack of initiation I wrote about in my previous post, is because maybe they don't want to be part of my life. Maybe I am too needy, maybe I am not fun enough, maybe I just want to ask too many questions. I don't know, but I think it could be true. I mean, it seems that people respond to me and get along with me, but maybe I am fooling myself. Who knows?

Even tonight, when I did talk to a friend on the phone I started going into feeling unconnected with others, told him I wanted more contact with people. Who really wants to hear that?

I also think I am way too self-focused - maybe I should just go volunteer. I wish sometimes I knew how others saw me...then maybe I would know what I could do to get their approval and evaluate whether or not I want to do that. Right now I shoot in the dark - I know, I know, I should just be me and not worry what others might think. But I like other people and want to be around them so I do worry about what they think. It all goes back to approval. If I can truly accept and approve of myself while being by myself then it will be good. That is why I think I need to learn to be alone - alone and happy being by myself.

On another random subject, my friends in WI are going through a VERY intense time as they prepare to move to a whole new state. Long story short my friend had to find a new job and the one he found was in a new state and so they are moving there. But it means leaving all of their friends and a community they love. They also just sold their house and have to be out in just a couple of weeks, almost a full month earlier then they were planning. So, they have a LOT going on, and while the move is a positive one and there is a lot they have to look forward to there is a lot of uncertainty and change coming up for them. But you wouldn't know it because they are both so positive and grounded and wouldn't even think of complaining.

And I think, "my life is very stable right now and going well and all I can do is worry about ME and complain." I definitely need to go volunteer - I need to step out of myself for a little bit.

I don't want this to be all complaining, life is good. For example, the spinning instruction thing was a great highlight and there are lots of others too. Like the workshops I am facilitating at work. They are going great and I feel like I have a real knack for working with groups and helping them achieve outcomes. And while I do get compliments from my boss after the fact, I am not trying to be a good faciliator so I get the compliments. I am trying to do it because I want the participants to get what they want and need out of a session, I want to be a good facilitator/trainer so they succeed. It is an area where I am using my gifts to serve others.

And that is another thing. I worry a lot that people will read my blog and think that I only think of myself. I wish you could see me in interaction with others. Most of my time is spent asking others questions, trying to be open to who they are. Or maybe I am fooling myself, maybe people don't like what I am doing, maybe people know that deep down I do what I do, asking them questions, so they will like me.

Who knows, I am a little sad right now.

Bottom line, I want life to just roll easily, I want to not be so worried about approval and what others think, I want to be other focused b/c I believe that is a better thing to be. Yet, all these wants are all the things that I struggle with.

And since I am whining, how do people get all the things done they want and need to get done - there is so much sometimes and I feel like I can't keep up. Maybe I should be wasting 15 minutes blogging.

I sit here wondering, does this help me, does blogging all this help me or does it just keep the focus on me and put my worries and concerns out there, hoping someone will look at it and say, "you are okay Aaron, I approve of you." Or maybe it is just a good tool to get my thoughts out and hopefully move on. Who knows...

I guess part of me wants to just live life and take it as it comes without always analyzing it to see if it is "right" and to see if I am "right". I just want to live and take life as it comes and be happy and relaxed. Again, my insatiableness pops up, because I have those moments, I just want them all the time...

So, I am just going to sit with the sadness, not try and solve it or do something about it. Just sit with it. Universe, what are you trying to tell me?