I have been anxious all week and a little stressed out. When Beth tries to chat with me or show affection to me I put up walls. I don't know if it is b/c I am in envy mode based on reason y (kind of a personal thing) or if it is just because I am very tired. It has been a long week and at the same time I have been pushing myself from an exercise perspective.
Whatever the reasons for being in 4 mode, I don't like it. I don't like how I have behaved towards Beth and I don't like that I am always distracted b/c I am in envy mode.
I have been obsessing about this insignificant personal thing for a week and I honestly know that it is what is standing in my way. I am going to obsess over it one more day today and then let it go. That is my goal and my plan.
I have not been as relaxed and as much in equanimity. I have not been seeing the gifts of everyone. But again, I am very tired. Which is it I wonder? As I reflect on the fact that much of the envy is pushing me away from Beth mainly I would say it is the envy thing and not the tired thing. The envy thing and obsessing about this thing is pulling me away from balance. I know this and I don't like it; yet there is something about it that gives me pleasure b/c I want to hold onto the envy.
Sorry I can't be specific!
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