Ups and downs and my personality

So, first off, I had three great weeks of my personality not popping up its ugly head in a major way and that was great. It finally reared again hardcore this past week, Thursday through Saturday. It started by me being slammed at work b/c I waited until the last days to really get into a project that is coming due this Tuesday. I had time, I have spent plenty of time at work of late, not working. But, I just did not hop into the project. That created pressure, which created stress, which allowed my envy to pop up in a big way.

My ego took over and my personality was in overdrive. I have felt yucky physically and emotionally. I have not been sharp in doing my work...actually that sentence is an example of me being hard on myself, on my ego being hard on me.

Anyway, I have not been meditating (I did yesterday which was good) and I have not been focusing on my holy idea. I have observed myself in "what's missing" mode and the emotions it creates. And, then I bought into those emotions allowing them to shape my reality and my perceptions. Which then made me look at Beth mainly and say she was not satisfying my needs. To say that she was not helping me or being there for me. And that drove her crazy (rightly so) and I was kind of a pain in the butt to deal with.

I also have felt the body image/perception thing creep in a lot as I view my body image very critically. Actually, a lot of it started with going to my mountain biking "team" christmas party. I have been unable to ride the last 6 - 7 weeks after my surgery and was hanging out with guys who are riding a lot and who are looking in good shape. I don't have to tell you that got my envy started.

And I have been telling myself a 100 times that I will start eating healthy and begin exercising consistently and I seem to be fighting a losing battle. But, maybe it is like connection. When I really got deep in despair I started to believe that finding connections was not for me and look I found connections...maybe I need to let go all this energy around my fitness and it will happen the way it supposed to. Maybe I just need to breathe in and down and the envy around my body will relax away.

How can I describe it though (I feel frustrated trying to type it) the feelings of my envy up and the tension and anger it creates within me. It is very frustrating and it is sort of an unfocused longing and tension that exists. B/c I know that I cannot will myself to believe certain things or do certain things. I cannot fight against all that. But, part of my brain wants to fight against it and part of my brain is beating myself up and part of my brain is saying go into the moment and meditate and then I get all this energy going in and around inside my head and it hurts and makes me mad but I internalize the anger and then I just get tense and sad which then turns into one bigger loop of feelings so that now I am nested within feeling and I don;t even know what the stimuli were underneath all of those layers of perception and feeling and I don't know which string to pull to try and figure it all out and I just go so pissed sometimes at myself and everyone else which just makes me so damn sad on the inside and sends me into a little boy spiral ~ UGH!!!

So, anyway, another thing I realized is that I sound somewhat self focused. And, I think I am. I think right now my life is to find myself and I think I am doing a pretty damn good job of that. Will I ever, should I, is part of my growth to focus on others? Should I beat myself up for being self focused? I don't know. But, I think the answer to much of what is above and much of what I wrote is breathing and focusing on the moment...not to worry about what has come, what will come and what others think (or what I think others think - the stories I make up in my head). Just do my best...which makes me sad b.c I know that in some ways my personality gets in the way of me doing my best...its all a journey.

Phew, now you might know why I have said being a Type 4 is ravaging on the inside...self loathing, self doubt, envy for others, disparaging and judging some and exalting others, all b/c I think I am not enough myself...all b/c I forget that I am perfect, whole and holy, just the way I am.