So remember how there are things I would change in my life? Well, one of them I think is that I spend a lot of time alone. For an extrovert who really enjoys conversations I end up with a fair amount of introvert time. One of the big times is in my car...driving home in Phoenix rush hour creates a lot of alone time. But, there is plenty of other alone time too. Even more now that I am off the mountain bike as I recover from my shoulder surgery. What I am wanting is to find some more friends. To broaden my range of friends. I actually have a pretty good base right now. I have some great friends and I am lucky to know some really cool people. But, the one thing that I desire most is deeper levels of conversation. And, I am a little lacking in that. Let me add a caveat...recipricol deeper levels of conversations - I want it to go both ways! Really if I could add in just one more source of consistent, two way deep conversation, I would be a much happier guy!

To really understand how an extroverted guy who wants to have lots of stimulating conversations spends a lot of his life NOT having stimulating conversations one needs to understand some of the background.

Although my current friends would probably not believe this I did not grow up with a lot of friends. In elementary all the way through HS I was the one kid that had literally ZERO friends and was the one kid that all of the other kids made fun of. My parents did not role model friendships so I did not really even know what it was like to have/be friends. As I got into college I kind of floated on the outside of different groups but was never really close with anyone. So, as I became an adult I found that I was starting adulthood without really any core friendships. At the same time I was going through a lot of personal growth and awakening and for the last several years have really been searching for friends.

Here is part of the problem...I am kind of picky. I don't like to talk about a lot of the same things that a lot of other people like to talk about...mainly TV and food. I want friendships where we have really dynamic conversations. Where we talk about feelings and personal perceptions. As I have searched for friendships I have found it difficult to meet people who want to have intense and engaging conversations. Especially reciprocally.

Not to brag, but I am probably one of the best conversationalist you will meet, especially when it comes to asking questions. I can keep a conversation going and get people to talk about personal things b.c I ask really great questions that get people to drive deeper and deeper. But, always asking questions and never being asked questions starts to get old. I want to have a great two way conversation. I want to be engaged, not just be engaging.

Great conversation escalates and grows from two people learning and sharing, building off of each others thoughts and perceptions and questions. It comes from an equal desire for the two to get to know each other. It comes from letting down boundaries and not judging. It comes from letting a part of yourself go. It comes from asking great questions and it comes from energy and humor and empathy. These things, I have them naturally and that is what makes me a deep romantic boy (I am actually 30 but I think it sounds better than deep romantic man - that sounds like a dating tag line - I am married). Great conversation elevates you; in the moment it evolves you both. Great conversation, deeper conversation is fun and it is what I live for, what I desire. It is my gift to the world...

I have two sources for great conversations right now - my wife and my best friend. Part of my issue right now (and I promise this eventually gets back to the spending time alone thing) is that my best friend lives in WI (I am in AZ). We talk once a week on the phone and have been doing so for over 3 years. We usually talk for 2 - 3 hours, occasionally longer. Well, over the last several months he and I have just not been connecting as well. I have been trying really hard but some of the zip and energy seems to have gone out of our conversations. We are not engaging each other as much. Now, I know it is important to keep the consistency up so I will continue to talk to him once a week. Life is about cycles and I think he and I are just in a cycle. A big part of it is that he is going through a lot of stuff that is occupying his mind and therefore he does not have as much available space to give to me right now (although he would never admit it - he would say that he is giving as much as he has been, but I can sense the difference). Well, that is not true, he would admit that his mind has been occupied but he would say he thinks his behavior is not different and that he is doing his best to meet my needs...ugh it is complicated.

Despite the complications, I am going to be there with him through this. I am not going to give up our conversations. Not only that but I am going to do everything I can to continue to bring energy and zing to the conversations. Part of me hopes that as he comes through this on the back end he says,"hey I know you worked really hard and I know that I was not all there, I appreciate it". But, that is not why I am sticking through it. I am sticking through with the consistency b.c I love him. I will hope that we get back to connecting the way we have. Get back to connecting in the way I talked about above. Connecting in that way where an energy of connection builds between two people and both people are elevated, advanced and evolved b.c of that conversation.

And my wife. Well, we have great conversations, lots of them. But that cannot sustain me alone. She cannot be my sole source, I need to diversify. For a couple of reasons...one is that these great conversations are my gift. It is my way of showing her love, not necessarily her way of showing love back. Her love language tends to be touch and she does a great job of that. She is always rubbing my head, my back. Man, she took such good care of me when I had my surgery! And ones gift tends to be how one likes to receive love. So, she likes to receive love through touch as well. Since her gift/needs are a little different we can't spend our whole relationship meeting my needs (not that I would mind =).

The second reason is that since I am so good at asking questions I will just keep on asking her questions and more questions. After a while I start to think "isn't she interested in ME?" and start to get insecure and a little pouty. So I will say that, I will say in a little whiny voice "don't you want to know about ME?". Now, I know it sounds strange, but I would not do this in a friendship. One of the great things (a blessing and a curse) about our relationship is that I am SO comfortable with her that I really show her my insecure side (which on a side note sometimes frustrates her, she wants to see the strong me). So, to summarize the second reason I need to diversify is that b/c of all the extra "stuff" that gets wrapped up in a marriage relationship can make it hard to have my deep conversation needs met by only her.

So, finally we get back around to the beginning. The reason I think about spending time alone is I think, "I want to change this, I want to find a way to fill some of this alone time". But, I don't just want to fill it with meaningless conversations or hobbies. I want to find a way to meet people who are dynamic conversationalists. That is part of the reason I have been thinking about doing spoken word. It would fill up some of this alone time, fill up some of the downtime from my surgery (see my previous post) and it would put me in a situation where I could hopefully meet some great conversationalists. It would allow me to build up my friendships and find some more deep souls.

Here is the rub. I am scared. You see, change does not come easy. I am just being honest. It is easy to sit here and write that I want to find more conversations and am therefore going to do it by joining up with some beat poets or slam poetry or spoken word. It is another to actually go do it. What if I feel silly? What if others think I am silly? What if I stink? Here it is though; What if I actually go do it? HA. What if I actually go do it?