Holden Caulfield

Okay, so I am reading Catcher and the Rye and I feel a little like Holden Caulfield. I feel very separate from everyone and everything. I don't feel connected. In some ways I don't identify with Holden - I don't think everyone is necessarily phony...I think people are really who they are. I just think people are flat and surfacy. I think people like talking about meaningless stuff and I don't connect with people on meaningless stuff (btw, I know these are my judgments). It leaves me feeling a lot like Holden though - sad and depressed.

I think I am a little different in a couple of other ways. Holden does not seem to make an effort to find his own happiness. He continues to turn to the same well of friends and connections that have left him feeling hollow in the past. For me, I am always searching and seeking connections. For example, I am right now looking up groups in the area that might be interested in deeper levels of conversation.

Now, before you think I am just some jerk who sits around judging everyone, that is really not how it is. Generally I like people. And, people can talk about whatever the heck they want to talk about and do whatever the heck they want to do. For me though I need something a little different then I have been able to find and want something a little deeper. The problem is that I have a tough time finding it. I need to be a little energized by someone else. I just really want to find someone who will match me in pace and energy and depth. But, that has been my rant for a couple of days and that is not really why I started this post.

So, the other reason I feel a little different then Holden (and this could be due to an age difference) is that I don't get the sense that Holden could define for you what he does want or does think is good - only what he thinks is bad. I think I could do a pretty good job of telling you what I do believe in and what I think is good.

I believe in listening and asking questions. I believe that most people are inherently good people and want to do good for themselves and others. I believe that whatever people choose for themselves is fine by me as long as it is not hurting others. I believe that conversations and personal connections are the best way to begin to understand others and learn that others are more like ourselves than we believe - therefore the idea of nation states with artificial man made borders is a bunk concept. (sorry for the little political straying there). For myself I love conversations, even when they are talking about things that I would find "surfacy" but, I need some more "depth" conversations to sustain myself through the others.

What is interesting is that I have ideals for myself - for example, my goal is to facilitate deeper levels of conversation - with everyone - and my goal is to show and express love for others and to see the best parts of others and praise them for those best parts. But, I am not living those goals right now. I am not living those asprirations and those holy ideas. I think part of it is this idea of looking at what is missing. I think there is truly something missing right now - but I think by focusing on what is missing I am also depressing myself and pulling energy away from living my holy ideas. How do I move more fully towards living my holy ideas with the assumption that what is missing in my life is not going to be filled in?

For example, the last couple of days I have been walking around all mopey and my depression is cutting me off from putting energy and connection into Beth. I am facilitating my own disconnection with my wife because I am focusing on what is missing. I would like to connect with Beth and at the same time look to fill in the other gap. (See my previous post for how my connection with my wife relates to other connections I am seeking).

Hopefully that I am blogging and getting some of these thoughts out of my head will help. Maybe a clear head will help me feel more connected to others. And, I am taking another Enneagram workshop on "The Holy Ideas". Maybe that will help as well. I hope =)