Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Something about values

There has been something brewing in my brain about defining my values.

I think it has to due with grad school, in which the question, "why" gets asked a lot. I think it has to do with my frustration with our current political climate. It probably has something to do with being 32 and having too much time to think. (Sometimes I wonder, and please don't laugh, if having a child would take up more time and energy so I could focus on something other than thinking about myself). Anyway...

For some reason I want to have some statement of values that says, "this is who I am and this is what I believe." Even though I dislike extreme dogmas or statements of doctrine because I tend to believe there is no "truth". So, even though I don't exactly know why, I want to have my values defined, statable, fleshed out. I want to be able to strongly say, "this is what I believe!"

The problem with doing so is my propensity to see lots of different sides to any arguments and to admit when I am living in ways inconsistent with what I would say is important. For every value statement I could list I could think of all the ways its not true in my life. I can see the other side of almost anything.

Like last night, I was thinking about what my values list might look like. And, I started with, "I believe in equality of opportunity for all and will work for justice in life." Well, immediately I begin to think of all the ways in which this is not true. Like, if I really believed in equality and justice, wouldn't I sell everything I had, except for what I needed to minimally subsist on, and donate the rest to the poor? I mean, I could still work at United Way, live a nice life, without a lot of the material wealth I hold on to. So, do I really believe in equality of opportunity for all if I am living a lifestyle inconsistent with that belief?

(Now, I know some of you want to poke holes in my argument or pass on platitudes about how we all do our best. But, the point is to illustrate the thought process that goes through my head whenever I sit down and think about defining my values. I automatically see the holes in definitive statements like value statements.)

Then my mind says, "well, maybe you are just finding the middle path." I am the middle child, it makes sense. And certain events in my life lead me to believe taking the middle path, the unextreme, undogma path might be the path for me. And, it is, in some ways, not all (see there is the middle again), it is in some ways, the path I am on.

But do I want to be middle forever? It seems so wishy washy. So unspecial. (I am a Type 4, I have to be special). It seems weak. It seems like how will I ever get anywhere BIG if I don't have concrete values, passions and ideals.

Maybe I do have these things - values and passions and ideals that guide my life. Maybe I don't need to write them down or say them to have them. Or, maybe I will write them down. And maybe I will change them a hundred times. Or maybe I won't. Who knows?

Maybe I will be a middle pather my whole life. Maybe I will change the world and be president someday. Maybe I will just be a good dad (I hope!) and a good husband and friend, community member and coworker. And maybe, that's enough.

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