Sick

It's 12:33 Arizona time as I begin this post. I cannot sleep. I am very sick.

In fact, I am so sick I went to bed wearing a knit cap, knit gloves, a sweater, long johns and socks. I am wearing everything right now except the gloves. I was having chills so extreme I was scared they weren't going to stop. Finally, in all my accouterments, I was able to warm up and fall asleep for a couple hours.

I woke up about 20 minutes ago and lay awake in bed, my eyes closed, my head feeling like it was growing rapidly and exponentially in size. At the same time as my head was seeming to fill the entire space of the room my mind was ruminating on the great questions of the universe.

I think I came up with something about how the most certain thing in the universe is the now. Not the only certain thing, because plenty of people question the certainty of now, of our very existence, but the most certain thing. Funny what you think of lying in bed as your head is expanding.

Basically, I decided truths of the universe do not exist. There are a lot of questions for which we don't have answers, while, at the same time, we know a hell of a lot. I decided we are equally nature and nurture and that our contribution to the universe is our mere existence, which is completely unique, has never happened before, and will never happen again. And, we should just try and enjoy it!

Or something like that.

On a completely different note

Last night, I picked up a CD I haven't listened to in a long while. The CD is The Great Adventure by Steven Curtis Chapman.

This CD is one of only two hold backs from my bible-thumping, Christian rock days. Actually, that's too bad, because listening to the CD brought back memories and I wonder if I still had any of the others if the same would happen.

Like when I started listening to this CD I remembered that Steven Curtis Chapman's was the first concert I ever saw.

I don't remember exactly how old I was, in my early teens probably, and I don't remember if I lived with my mom or my dad. I went with a youth minister, in his early twenties, whose name I don't remember. I can't even remember with what church I was involved. I seem to recall the concert was in Ann Arbor, but I can't say for sure.

Anyway, this youth minister asked if I wanted to go volunteer as an usher at the concert He said if I volunteered I would get to watch the concert for free - with seats in the third row - of course I wanted to go!

It was a fantastic night!

First, I was with three twenty-somethings; the youth minister, his friend and his friend's girlfriend, all of who I thought were the coolest people in the world! I drove with them to the concert; which, of course, made me feel like I was the coolest thing in the world! I remember walking into the auditorium, the lights were dimmed, except for the yellow lights along the walkways and walls. The place was packed; every seat in the house was taken, all the way to the balcony, and there were so many people everywhere. There was so much energy in the place and I was so excited; and I was overwhelmed.

I don't think we even volunteered for more than 10 minutes, ushering people to their seats, when the opening act ended. At that point we all ran to our seats down in the very front of the theater.

There we were, right up front and out he came, to a roar from the crowd. I was screaming as loud as anyone, so excited, so happy. His performance, like his music, was emotional and mesmerizing. I sang every word I knew, as loud as I could.

In fact, it's probably how I approach every concert now - excited for the show, nervous about getting there, pumped and in the moment, enjoying and absorbing everything I can about the entire evening. Every concert I have been to has been an emotional experience, does that surprise you? And, I remember each one fondly.

This concert, my first ever, holds a special place in my heart.

After the concert we all went to Bennigan's, my first meal out with cool, young adults. We all split a Death by Chocolate dessert and laughed and talked the night away. I remember it was a late night and I remember feeling like they liked me. That just added so much to the whole evening. These cool people liked me! Wow! What a thrill.

We drove home, I went to bed. I am sure I was giddy and probably couldn't sleep, but I don't remember. I just remember the theater. And the lights. All the people. The music. The swell of my heart as Steven played on. I felt good. I felt special and whole and happy. It's a wonderful memory, one of my favorite.

And, as it tends to do, life went on. In college I fell away from Christianity and Christian rock, and for the most part, haven't ever really gone back.

Until last night, when I pulled out the CD. I was drawn to it because I remembered how much I liked the first two songs and because I thought they would work well in spin class.

The first song is an instrumental prologue, two minutes long. It is sweeping and evokes a sense of riding across great, wide open plains. It is the kind of song that gets you ready for whatever else is coming; on the CD, in life. You can actually listen at his site.

The second song (links are to the lyrics), continues with the same themes as the first, and starts out with the lyrics, "Saddle up your horses!" It's great, I love it. The same sweeping instrumentation as the prologue and emotional, faith filled lyrics. The chorus continues:

Saddle up your horses we've got a trail to blaze
Through the wild blue yonder of God's amazing grace
Let's follow our leader into the glorious unknown
This is a life like no other - this is The Great Adventure!

The song still fills me with so much emotion that I found myself in my office, singing at the top of my lungs and dancing in my underwear as I was loading the CD onto Itunes. It was a great feeling. A happiness built on memories and a continued appreciation for the music.

I then clicked right to the third song, Go There With You, it is my absolute favorite. It is a grand, powerful love song. It is about faith and steadfastness and true love. I think so much of Beth and Greg when I listen to the song. I think of love that will never die. I listen to this song and I am in all feeler mode; the epitome of Deep Romantic Boy.

Listen to how it begins:

I know you've heard me say these words before
But every time I say I love you the words mean something more
I spoke them as a promise right from the start
I said death would be the only thing that could tear us apart
And now that you are standing on the edge of the unknown
I love you means I'll be with you wherever you must go

Again, last night, as the song was playing I was belting out, right along with the music. I stood in the hallway between the office and the bedroom, so Beth could see me from bed, and I serenaded her with every word. She laughed, I smiled and danced. It's the kind of music that speaks to my heart and makes me happy!

Here's the chorus and the bridge:

I will take a heart whose nature is to beat for me alone
And fill it up with you - make all your joy and pain my own
No matter how deep a valley you go through
I will go there with you
BRIDGE:
I known sometimes I let you down
But I won't let you go - we'll always be together

Ah, beautiful! It oozes feeling and heart. It is probably one of my all time favorite songs. I hope you all go and take a listen. I am so happy I found it. It's nice to stumble onto something that has so much meaning.

I played the CD as I drove to work today. So many of the songs made me think of my friend Greg. Other than Beth, Greg and I have shared more about our personal faiths then anyone else I know. And listening to this CD was like listening to Greg talk about his faith.

I would never want to put words in anyone's mouth, especially about faith, but when, in the song, Walk With the Wise, he sings:

I've learned to look for answers in those born before my time
As I listen to them tell me what they've learned in their lives
I talk to friends with understanding much deeper than my own
And gain wisdom beyond measure I could never find alone

...I think of Greg and his life full of close relationships and his appreciation of the people in his life. How he learns from his relationships, cares deeply for everyone he knows and sees God's love reflected in the hearts of his family and friends.

I get the same sense in, Don't Let the Fire Die, when he sings:

I can still feel the prayers you prayed for me all those years
And I see now more than ever what a difference they have made
And I can still hear your words spoken from a heart of great concern

I am sure I have heard Greg speak almost those very same words. Not that the CD represents all of Greg and his faith. It's that the CD fills me with a sense of Greg and reminds me of his faith. What a wonderful gift, to listen to beautiful music, music that touches me, and have it remind me of my family and friends.

Its a beautiful CD, written from the heart. It evoked in me a lot of memories and emotions. I don't think I was expecting that. It's certainly not why I picked up the CD in the first place. But what a wonderful reminder of love and faith and the importance of the memories we hold. My heart was swept up in a way that hasn't happened for a while.

My heart smiles.