Envy's back

Well, it never really left, it just subsided. And the last couple of days I have felt it a little more strongly than I have in a while. Quite frankly its not a feeling I am real happy has returned.

Its just I want, I want, I want; I want to live in an urban area with a real live vibe; I want more and more and more and more friends; I want to know I am living the "right" life in the "right" way that is going to get me approved and loved; I want more time with more friends doing more fun things having more deep conversations in more cool places; I want to volunteer, I want to lose more weight; I want more approval at work; I want more time with Beth; I want, I want, I want.

I know it is about "my needs" and I know I should be appreciating what I do have instead of looking at what I don't have. But, once it starts, once it turns on, its hard to stop, difficult to turn off. And there is emotion tied in with all those wants: feelings of longing and sadness, lack of hope. Like it is never going to happen, like I am never going to get my needs met.

What I am saying is that I know focusing on all these wants is probably not the best thing for my psyche, I know life isn't all about meeting "my needs" but it is still hard to let them go.

Interestingly, in the past when i would have these feelings it would be the only thing my mind would focus on. I am now observing that these thoughts are just part of what I am thinking, sort of stale croutons sprinkled in a fresh salad. The majority of my thoughts are still focused on what I appreciate about life and others, its just these envy focused thoughts are thicker, they cloud the picture a little, but the appreciation focused thoughts still dominate and for the most part I maintain a sunny outlook. Seems a good thing to me, seems like growth.

Why the envy now? Who knows exactly, sometimes it is difficult to separate the symptom from the cause. For example, I think a cause would be my increased alone time in the evenings over the last couple of weeks, and my decreased lunches with friends. However, one could look at that and say, well that isn't a cause, its just how you are looking at that decreased friend time, or maybe you aren't looking at all the other things going on and going good in your life and focusing only on that one aspect.

Its funny how posts unfold sometimes...as I sit here writing, maybe it was good to get this all off my chest, because I am beginning to feel better...images of "good" times and "good" things are popping into my head, proof of my "good" life...riding with Kevin on Tuesday, gosh I was feeling fast and boy was it beautiful; driving home one of our blind speakers today after a meeting, such a great guy, such a powerful story, I am lucky to know him; facilitating speakers training this week, it went really well, I love that part of my job; my job, my organization, I am lucky to work for them, it is a wonderful place to be, so successful at improving lives, I know the work I do helps to improve lives, what can be better?; hanging with Beth last night, walking the dogs, just chatting, even though I was short and snappy because I was in envy-mode and she just took it in stride when I apologized later, feeling guilty and she just said, "don't worry about it"...so much to be thankful for.

Sigh...thanks for listening to me whine in the beginning, it was good to get it off my chest, I feel clearer, I feel better, I am remembering all the good things I have and can appreciate. I am sure the envy will still be there, there will still be things I want, but for the moment, and that is all I can really be concerned with, the right now, I am feeling more in appreciation, more in balance.

Thanks for listening.