Never again...

I was thinking about my dad last night…stormin norman….

My dad has been stoned almost every day I have known him. Now granted, I have not known him very well the last two years and something could have changed, but he was stoned when I met him and I am pretty sure he was stoned when my mom met him and has been stoned pretty much ever since.

My dad is a very complex subject. My brothers and I often lament about his narcissism and his lack of grasp on reality. It is sad and scary that he has alienated four sons from his life. The really scary thing is how much of my dad I see in me.

On the plus side, my dad is very passionate and full of big ideas. In his own twisted way he cares very deeply for those around him and wants only the best for his sons. I think the problem is that he wants what he thinks is best for us, not what we think is best for us. He is a very warm, polite person and from him I learned good manners and how to be comfortable being affectionate with others. In kind of a sick way that leaves me scarred to this day with body image problems, he taught me how to exercise, lift weights and eat healthy foods. I also got his good looks (wink/smile).

I would be doing him a disservice if I did not also recognize the tremendous level of energy he has invested in caring for his parents over the last several years. He has demonstrated, through his actions, his love for his mother and father. I am proud of him for doing that.

What made me think about dad was that I was thinking about how much pot I smoked in college. I was reflecting that when I met Beth and stopped smoking pot how I had a lot of emotional growing to do. I surmise that my emotional growth stopped, for the most part, at the place where it was when I began smoking pot and did not start again evolving until I stopped. I am not saying that is how it works with everyone, it just worked that way with me and I think it worked that way with my dad too. Or I am guessing it might have.

You see, my dad, despite the healthy qualities he does possess, has, as I said early in this post, alienated from his life his four sons, the people he has told for most of their lives that he would rather die than not have their love. It reinforces what my friend says, that actions are more important than words, because his actions have not demonstrated his commitment for his love to us.

I am hypothesizing that his emotional development, for the most part, is at the level of a twenty year old, probably about the time I am guessing he started smoking pot (it may have been earlier). My observations to support this hypothesis are many….life is about meeting his needs (part of the scary thing I see in myself); he does not deal well with his emotions and has not dealt with his underlying anger; he has not come to, in my opinion, based on observation, the wisdom that many people in their 40’s and 50’s do, that each person has their own path and each person has to figure out how life works for them; and he does not create or invest time in friendships, relationships or new hobbies and interests.

I think the biggest distress this has caused my brothers and I in recent history is our telephone conversations with our dad (although I have not talked to him in over 18 months). On the rare occasion when I did talk with him and when my brothers do talk to him, the conversation is about telling us how we should think and what we should do; all to live the life that he thinks will save us. I would say he tries to get us to live a fantasy life of what he thinks is right that he cannot live up to himself. And, maybe, by telling us this right way to think and live, if we will just believe him, he hopes we will be saved, both in this world and in the afterlife.

I think my dad is deeply fearful. I think underneath his drug masked exterior he is a huge ball of unspoken emotions, a lot of anger and a lot of fear that he has never dealt with, all the way back to the terrible physical abuse he suffered at the hands of his father. I wonder if part of him knows that he has failed in creating meaningful relationships with his sons and it scares the hell out of him and makes him deeply sad. But, instead of dealing with that and trying to create those relationships he tries to force his worldview on us, hoping that one, we will adopt his views and save ourselves from the hell he lives in now and the hell he fears he will end up in and two, that if we adopt his worldview he will be validated, he will feel like he has succeeded, approved of and loved.

Despite all the bullshit our dad puts us through I think he just wants love. I think that is where it comes from and I feel sad for him, sometimes deeply sad for him, that he has no idea how to get us to love him. He just has not developed the emotional and cognitive skills to create a loving relationship with the people he has always said are most important in his life – his sons.

I want to tell him he doesn’t have to do anything, he doesn’t have to save us. Just give us the approval and acceptance that he wants for himself, just give that to us and support us in living the lives WE choose.

I love my dad. I don’t often like how he behaves and I have no idea if I will get over that dislike enough to have a relationship with him. But I love him, I feel sad for him and I wish him the best in life.

Me, I chose to stop. Stop smoking pot. That decision is how I am different. In all the ways that I am the same, in that way I am different.

I am not saying it is wrong for me or anyone else to smoke weed. But I know that, like my dad, I have a very addictive personality. And when I thought about all this I came to the conclusion that smoking pot stopped my emotional growth and I got stuck in that place. That will not happen again.

I look forward to growing. To becoming more me. To learning and gaining wisdom. To forming life long relationships. To being a good dad. To loving myself and others.

I stopped…