It's what I really want

I believe the reason I want to figure my self out, the reason I want so much, the reason I think I need to be filled up, is so I can be of service to others and service to the world. I believe it is the next step. I don't know how I am going to get "there" quite yet and I don't very well even know what "there" is.

I have always known that I want to "figure it all out" so that I could just do good and live a good life. For me, living a good life means being happy and helping others be happy.

I have spent a tremendous amount of time and energy working to get my needs met, working to figure out what makes me happy. Much of the energy has been to reach out to others in hopes of their acceptance. As such, I have developed a pattern over time of constantly evaluating if I am happy in each moment or not. And if I am not, what I should do about it. I can feel that subtly start to shift.

Part of the shift comes from caring a little less what others think about me. I don't need others or their approval to fill up my emotional energy. It is filled internally from a confidence I am just recently coming into.

I think as such I can use my energy, which so often goes out captures attention and says, "hey, look at me, aren't I special" to say "hey, lets look at you and shine a light on your specialness".

I am okay with where I have been. A lot of positives, including this blog and a lot of self love, have come out of this quest for self fulfillment. And a lot of helping others too. I would be negligent if I did not recognize myself for the love I give.

I am pretty happy with who I am and my life. I have known for a little while now that I am perfect just the way I am. My worldview from youth was that I had a big empty hole in my soul that needed to be filled. Through the very powerful growth over the last months, for the first time in my life, and who knows how long it will last, my heart is full and I love myself.

My internal energy is pretty filled up. I might even have a little extra to give.

I meditated on this prayer over and over while sitting by the pool this morning, "To all that is good and holy in the universe, to the energy of love in the world, I pray, guide me to service"

I am full, ready to give and now I just need to figure out how. I think part of it will be the "shine the light on others specialness" aspect, but who knows. It will be fun figuring it out.

"To all that is good and holy in the universe, to the energy of love in the world, I pray, guide me to service"