Four Friends I Love

I like the word sometimes better than I like the words a lot or a little.

Sometimes I worry, like when I am having a great conversation with someone that what if I say something to offend them. Like tonight, I was having a great conversation with a friend on the phone. This friend is great and some of the things I love in her are her sense of humor, her intelligence, and her ability to see the good and bad in things. Her gifts help her to make the best decisions for those whom she cares...and be okay with the results. And then i made a stupid joke that I worry offended her...but I didn't worry a lot because I know she wouldn't want me to.

Sometimes, when I think of my actions around making sure I am taken care of I worry that I forget to take care of other people. Like this friend I have who I want her to read my blog and it makes me feel good when she does. Because that is the kind of friend she is. And I am surprised and pleased at how close we are. I love her because she does what she says she will do and she says what she is going to do and why. And, despite what others may perceive, it is all because she loves you. And she reads my blog because I ask her too and she edits my stories because I ask her too. And, then, I worry I don't really reference her friendship much in my blog and I don't check out the books she recommends and I worry that is insensitive and that I hurt her feelings...but I try not to worry a lot, because I know she wouldn't want me to.

Sometimes I worry when I begin talking about my spiritual life, I will forget that whatever works for others is okay, and I worry I pontificate on what I believe. And I worry I am like my dad. Like this friend I love who wants to have fun and make sure that everyone around her feels good and is having fun. And I appreciate that we have fun conversations and that she is consistent. And today at lunch we started talking about spiritual beliefs. And she asked me about my beliefs. And I worry that I went on and on and sounded high and mighty because I think I have it all figured out...and I worry that it sounds like I don't honor her beliefs, which I do. And that she might feel like I don't think she is smart, even though I do. But I didn't worry too much, because I know she wouldn't want me to.

Sometimes I worry that while all my wife needs is support and questioning, that I give her too much advice, like I am perfect. And that scares me. Like tonight when we were talking on the phone and she was processing through some difficult stuff and I was asking her questions. I love her like I love life. I love her as close to unconditionally as much as I can love another that much. I don't yet love myself unconditionally. But when she asked me what I thought, when she wanted a little advice, I went on and on and told her all the things I thought she should do and how that fits with the essence of her personality and would be helpful. And even though I try to shine a light on her beauty and her strength, I worry that me going on and on like I have all the solutions makes her feel like I think she is not strong, smart and beautiful. And even though I know she is all those things, I worry...but I won't let it stop me from being me. Because I know she wouldn't want me to.