Well, I am starting to come out of my little funk. I seem to resurface and then a few days later my personality kicks in and my superego kicks in to beat me down again. The good thing is that I am recognizing when I am in a "four funk" and two things are happening b/c I am more quickly recognizing it. One is that I tend to be a little less reactive to the feelings that I am having while in a funk. You see when I am in a feeling funk I have a tendency to believe that my feelings are reality. For example the other day I was in a funk and feeling that my supervisor was not trusting me and micromanaging me. Typically I would have reacted by going to her and complaining about her micromanaging. What I am realizing is that the feelings which were VERY intense were much more intense than the stimuli warranted. And, as the feelings intensify I make up, yes I said it, I make up more and more evidence to support the feelings. It turns into a spiral that leads me to a place of shame and insecurity...typically a place I would then react from with thoughts and words which would be telling the person how they are not meeting my needs. Now, I will say that I acted very passive aggressively at times (almost worst) but I held back saying anything b/c I knew it was based on this feedback loop of intense feelings. I waited the feelings out and was much better the next day.

The second thing that is happening through the awareness is that I am learning more about how my mind works. In some cases I am learning to breath and center myself in the moment and when I am centered in the moment then I am less likely to be looking for what is missing. Only through observation to see that my personality is up and raging can I learn to relax into it, relax into the moment and help to diffuse the pattern.

In relaxing into the moment and seeing things as whole and good I am also then seeing the people I am interacting with as whole and good...I am not looking for what is missing in them but rather what is present in them. And, what is present in them is the divine. Is the holiness of what some would call energy, or the universe, or god. So, by relaxing through focusing on the present moment (simply through following my breath) I am serving two purposes - one is the purpose of letting down this "what's missing" aspect of my personality and which helps to lessen that negative thought feeling feedback loop I explained above. And second, I am putting myself in a state of receptivity to experience the divinity of the everyday world.

Phew, pretty abstract stuff I am learning in my Enneagram class. But you know the best thing? Is that I am learning it and picking it up because it makes sense to me and because I can see its demonstration and application in the things I do. Now, what I write about how my mind works may not be the same way your mind works. But what I believe is that relaxing into the moment by following the breath can be such a powerful tool for any personality.

Now, you may recall from earlier blogs that I made the goal of going to observe spoken word nights. I have been two weeks in a row to a spoken word at a coffee house near work and just observed (a big deal for me not to participate). However, I am going to participate for the first time this coming Monday night...wish me luck. The next post I am going to write will be one of the pieces I will perform on Monday night which is around the work I am doing through my Enneagram class. Enjoy!