From: "Me" Sent: Thu 10/27/2005 11:42 amTo: "Best Friend" Subject: RE: Pictures from presentations..
Safe travels! I had my first physical therapy appt this morning. The therapist said I have good range of motion already. I will be going 3xper week for the next 4 - 6 weeks. On the down side your jolt of energy only filled me up for a couple of days. Beth and I got in a big fight last night b/c I did not feel like she was asking me good questions. I have been holding back about my life and just asking her questions. But, I wanted to talk a little about me last night and she was asking really "S" questions that were go no where questions. It makes me feel like she does not care about me. But, there is the bigger issue of needing more connection and just not finding it and therefore needing it more and more from her. And, since I don't feel really filled up I don't have energy to take to others and am not enjoying what I usually do which is being inquisitive and engaging. So, I just got really depressed last night and started crying. I am going to try to find a therapist. Sorry to dump on you while you are traveling. I am doing okay - I think my triple plan of trying some new experiences, working on appreciating what I have and searching for a therapist (or spiritual/life coach likeyou have) will get me out of this doldrums. I just have been short tempered, tired and grumpy lately and I think I have been a little depressed for about 6 - 8 weeks to be honest. Anyway, I am feeling okay right now =) END

That was an email exchange with my best friend. He then called me and a few good points came out:

1. I do deserve to have the connections i am looking for and no one should tell me that I don't. They are valid and different from the needs of others. It is okay to not be satisfied with what I am finding and it is okay to need more than what I get in my conversations.
2. I cannot push Beth to try to change. If I do we will both end up resenting each other. And that is what has been happening so I have to stop that.
3. Although I do need to find these outside connections and experiences there is something inside that is missing. That hole needs to be filled so that I can still be happy and healthy when I am not getting the outside connections. It is good and okay to seek the outside connections but what do I need to do to fix the inside.

That he called me and helped me to think of these things, that is why he is my best friend!

Last night Beth asked me if I love myself. I do. I just do not accept myself.