Not what I had planned

This isn't what I planned to post.

My morning didn't go as planned.

It was no excuse for my crabbiness. The details are unimportant. Just know I wanted things to go according to the way I wanted them to go and they didn't.

It really started last night when I began "not getting my way."

That is when I began getting irritated, annoyed and by this morning I was in full crabby mode. What was amazing about the whole thing, and what is really the point of this post, is I watched myself being crabby, knew why I was being crabby, knew how ridiculous it was and how mean I was being, specifically to Beth, and yet I kept on being a jerk.

I even watched Beth two or three times do really nice things and try to reach out to me , and still, I was crabby. Even right after she helped me get back on track with the things I needed to get done, I snapped at her for not doing some stupid little petty thing, that she had actually done. It was so little of a thing, that even had she not done it, it would have been nothing in the grand scheme of the universe, and still I snapped. And, like I have tried to emphasize, I watched myself doing it all, and did nothing to stop it.

I cannot say I was powerless to stop it, because I didn't even try. Who knows, maybe if I would have tried I could have moved into a better mood, but I didn't. I know it is okay to be in a bad mood, sometimes I need to give myself permission to be angry, frustrated and snappy. What I didn't think was okay was taking it out on Beth, especially in the face of her trying to help me out of the mood by doing several nice things for me.

Normally, I would force myself from a bad mood like that into a good mood. I think it was a good thing that I didn't. I think sometimes its okay to be frustrated. I do feel bad that I was mean to Beth.

Somehow, in a way that is too complicated to explain in the time I have to post right now, I think this is all related to other bigger things going on in my life. But, I don't have time for that right now. It's not what I had planned.