I should be doing homework

I have been struggling over the last couple of weeks. I have been caught up in my emotions and looking for something to make me feel "better." This could be more contact with friends, being more fit or any number of wants. My emotions have been all over the place, in part, because I am adjusting to my new life situations of being a part time grad student and being in a new position at work. These new situations have lead and corresponded to a host of other changes, some significant, some not. As I move from what I knew to what I don't it has left me internally unstable, leading to the emotional struggle I referred to above. Tied up in all this is a need to be special, a need for approval.

While in the midst of this struggle I hope for some solution, some answer, to come in and "fix" me and make me happy. I don't think that thing exists. No number of compliments, no amount of interest from friends, no material goods will quell the emotional turbulence from moment to moment. In other words, nothing outside will make me happy inside. And further, I don't know that constant happiness is a realistic goal. As such a strong feeler I am going to have waves of emotions, some happy and up, some sad and down, and lots in between. As I reflect, I think what is important for me is to ride the emotions, instead of being swept over by them. In this place of instability in which I have existed, I have been allowing myself to be swept up by the emotions.

I remember when I lived in Ohio, by myself for the first time, right after college and starting a new job, I thought a lot about what I wanted from life. I remember thinking at the time that I would like to try meditation. I am unsure now what lead me to the desire, I just had an intuition meditation would bring some positive benefit, some sense of connection and spirituality. I remember going to my gym and after my workouts, sitting in the steam room, sinking into deep meditations until I could no longer bear the heat.

Then, as now, I loved the sense of peace meditation brought. Sitting in the steam room, or on the floor of my one bedroom apartment, eyes closed, relaxing my mind, I could forget about what had been and what was coming and be present to what was. In those moments my emotions passed by, my thoughts rolled on, all to be observed from afar. For me, there is great freedom in not getting caught up in the feelings, and realizing there is a me separate from them. It's a state of being I easily forget when caught up in an internal crisis, such as what I have been going through the last few weeks. It's a state of being to which I am eager to return.

I don't expect meditation to be some sort of cure all to my emotional up and downs. It has been, however, a powerful tool in helping to manage my feelings. And, so I hope over the next couple of weeks to again return to daily meditations. And throughout the day I will try to remember to become present to my breath and use my breath to anchor myself to the present moment.

That is what is so powerful for me about meditation; it forces me to focus on my breath. In following my breath I am anchored to the present moment; breath is neither past or future, it is only now. And, by focusing on my breath I can just let my emotions and my thoughts roll on by. Its freedom, its peace, just for that one breath I am not worried about what was or what will be, I am only focused on what is.

Its something hard to express in words. Its something I tried to express last year in a poem I wrote in the midst of attending workshops on spiritual freedom. Here is an excerpt:

This breath, the now
is where life happens
where life unfolds
in the now
everything is just as it should be
no past, no future
just this breath
this now, no next

You can't experience the now
if your head is in the future
and your heart is in the past
It robs you of the now