Morning pages

It is 6:45, I am going mountain biking this morning. Beth writes three pages every morning, just stream of consciousness, I don't know if I will write three pages, but I needed to get something out. Put it on paper as it were.

I have been waking up angry lately and even going to bed angry. Mainly at myself, but at others too. I am not sure why. How it manifests itself in the morning is an anger at myself for what I have eaten the day before. Well, it is actually a little different. I am angry at myself for being fat.

Now, please don't misunderstand. The logical part of me knows I am not fat, I know I am fit. If that is true though, why I am I waking up so mad at myself and why do I look in the mirror and see all the unfit areas of my body? Why do I look in the mirror and see the fat parts?

Truth is I am the same weight I have been for about a year and the same weight I was when we were married four years ago. Yet this mindset still plagues me.

And why the anger? Why, on such a base level am I so mad at myself...I think the weight is just an excuse for the anger to manifest.

A few days ago as part of my meditations I started an affirmation about my body...the use of the affirmation, even though it helped, only lasted a couple of days. And the meditations help dispel the anger, usually after I "feel" much better, much lighter, much less angry and more happy. More present and just okay. So it would seem I should just not worry about it and meditate and go on. But I just don't like it. I don't like the anger.

I am not looking for answers or sympathy I just wanted to get this off my chest. It is something I don't understand, yet I know it is related to the recent rise in my stress load as I take on school. It is interesting, I am fine throughout the days, in a great mood, all the way up until right before bed and right when I get up, then I get this anger in me. And it scares me because I don't know how to fix it and it scares me because I don't like feeling this way and it scares me because I don't like how I react with others coming from this place, its a very petty kind of anger, kind of a bitter small anger. And, it scares me most of all because I don't know why and because I don't like treating myself with anger.

There, I said it, its off my chest. So there. At least it gave me five minutes about not thinking about my weight! I am off to meditate and then go mountain biking. Have a happy saturday!