Thinking...

Beth and I rode our bikes to the coffee shop tonight and I split my time between blogging and filming my next video. My second video was better, but it was not really me. I was trying to be someone else.

I only realized that after it was complete. And I was so excited about having made it, I sent it out knowing I didn't really like it.

Consequently, it has been on my mind since I published it. I have though a lot of critical things about the video and thought a lot of negative things about myself. For example, I told myself I should be embarrassed I sent it out to so many people, people who I don't really communicate with on a regular basis. Like I am whoring myself out there for attention. I even told myself it was no good and I should pull it from the web.

It also made wonder if I am creating for the sake of wanting approval. I hope people think I am special because I made a cool video and said deep things. And I hope it makes them want to pay attention to me.

Sigh, being me is tough. I am trying way too hard. My Mom has told me that after reading my blog and she's right. I wish I could enjoy living without trying to always figure myself out. I wish I could stop judging myself so hard.

Then I log on today and find a comment from Rebecca. I know Rebecca as well as I can know someone I met three years ago, who lives in Minnesota and who I see or talk to only a couple times a year. The times we have hung out I have found her to be smart, sweet and kind. We usually find a common subject in conversation and she seems willing to view the world through multiple perspectives.

Her response was a real pick-me-up, it gave me hope there are others in the world who want to carry out a global conversation. It is, I hope, the beginning of something special.

So, I have continued with my taping, pushing ahead on another video. I am really excited about my third project which I will create from my weekend of film. There are even a couple of off-shoot projects I can create from the taping I did this weekend.

This last video was made a little pell-mell, I hurried to get it out and was unsure of my point. With my next project I am going to take my time and have a theme and purpose in mind. I will do my best to make the video reflect my personality. If I am going to begin a global conversation I need to just be myself.