There is always so much

I write to share my perspective, so you can see what it is like from my point of view. I write to get approval, because I want you to like me. I hope you find me interesting. I write to tell my story; the story of who I am and what is important to me. And, I write hoping it might help you figure what is important to you.

I enjoy writing and try to write consistently. I value consistency and when I find something that is important to me, something I enjoy, I apply the level of consistency to which the importance of the thing I am doing warrants. The most important things in my life are the things on which I spend the majority of my resources. I find these things easier to maintain.

Even something like yard work. I trim the lawn, mow the lawn, sweep up the rockbeds, clean the patio and clean the pool because the process and the results are important to me. I enjoy them. The process and the results make me happy. And they are easier to achieve because, in this case, I landscape the yard on a regular basis. I do a pretty good job on the lawn, if I do say so myself. It seems obvious, but the more I do something, the better I get at doing it. It goes for the good and the bad. I do, for example, a great job at doing things at the last minute because I have a lot of practice - not always a good thing, especially in a work situation when other things could get in the way.

And, there are some things on which I spend time, energy and emotions that I say are not important but they must really be important, even if I don't want to admit it, or I wouldn't be doing them.

What I noticed today is the multitude of people and activities in my life that I enjoy. Beth, Greg, Greg, Lisa to name just a few. Max and Mokie. Our house. Our clean house. Our cars, our jobs. My job. The people I work with. Our multitude of friends. Eating healthy, mountain biking, blogging. Photography. So much, so much. Things I enjoy, on which I apply consistent resources and which seem to get easier to manage and reap better results. I am very blessed, very lucky, to have so much.

And new things are always getting worked in and tried out to see if they are important enough to add in consistently. Sort of like a wine connoisseur who has his favorites, like the Cabernet he buys every week from the corner grocer, but who is always evaluating new finds, going to tastings, trying out the recommendations he read about in the NY Times or heard about on NPR. The good ones will never go away, he will drink them week after week, but there is always room for another good one.

And, it is hard to say this, knowing how much I have said the opposite, but there are always opportunities in Phoenix to evaluate, to try out and to participate in. I can find things to do just once or every weekend. I sometimes have to search a bit, but there are a lot of things to try and a lot of people to meet. Hm, I never thought that would be my perspective.

I spend a lot of time looking for fun activities. It is one of the parts of me that I really love. There are a lot of parts of me: behavior style, energy level, friendship preferences, motivations and much more. I think I know a lot about me and I enjoy knowing a lot about me. There always seems something new and fun to learn. I also enjoy knowing a lot about others and like it when others know a lot about me. And because these things are important to me, I practice them consistently.

I enjoy helping others feel good. I like to praise people and ask them lots of positive focused questions. I love it when people smile. Often, the intent in what I say is a desire for others to feel important, valued, approved. I like having a lot of people around, when I want them around. And sometimes I feel like being alone. I like people both for what I get and what I give. I try, using the gifts god gave me, to give in equal measure as I get.

I try my best to understand others. To empathize and appreciate.

I try my best.

I also screw up. I make mistakes. Lots of them. I get confused about what I am feeling. I can be very needy and self centered. And can be quite lazy. I avoid things. I eat too much. And drink too much. I am taken to envy and often in ways I don't even notice. I get depressed. And critical. I try to change everything and everyone around me. I get scared no one loves me. I get scared I am going to die. I get scared these blessing will all be taken away. Nothing. No one.

I attempt to know and be honest about my faults. Sometimes I need help being humble.

For every blessing in life there is an equal curse. Knowing each of those perspectives exists, having sat in each of them, lived them and felt them, I am better able to choose which one I now wear. In each moment. It is awfully hard. And very important.

And being so important I practice it. I think about it, I talk about it, I write about it. I go to classes to learn more about me. To understand my motivations, styles and preferences. It can be difficult to understand the complexity of my behavior. Sometimes it gets very wearing. And I wonder if it is even worth it. But I am blessed with the energy to keep moving forward. And blessed sometimes to have moments where I see new perspectives, freeing perspectives, perspectives which help me be more me.

I have learned, for example, that nothing about my life needs changing. I enjoy where and how I consistently spend my resources. My current friends, my current activities, my current job. None of these things needs changing. They are a lot of fun. They make me happy. They are good fits for me. I have opportunities to utilize a wide variety of my talents and skills in a wide variety of activities.

I don't need to always be looking for something better - inlcuding a better me. I don't need to change things. Don't need to. I can change if I want, but I don't need to. My friends, my activities, my job, my priorities. Beth. Me. Perfect just the way it is.

Imagine the results in our relationship if I used more energy appreciating Beth, instead of using that energy trying to change her. Because she is perfect. We work well together, we fit. I love her and she loves me. I would rather use my energy appreciating our love than trying to change it.

And if I decide things do need changing. If I decide I want to change from being critical of things to being more appreciative, then so be it. That is perfectly acceptable too. If I decide I want to take the GRE and consider graduate school, consider changing my career, well then, I am okay with that. But it doesn't need to change. I don't need to change. I can if I want. But I am perfectly acceptable just the way I am.

Knowing that feels pretty darn good. I hope feeling this way is important enough to work to feel it consistently.

"Becoming, always becoming."
The words have powerful meaning for me. They make up one of my important mantras in life. They make up the title and subject of one of my favorite poems. They are even the greeting message on my cell phone. Each day I learn more about me and my becoming. It is a beautiful thing.

On this becoming, this beautiful becoming, I am blessed with wonderful walking companions and brilliant surroundings. My journey is perfect. From the first step to the last.