Sigh...

Well, I took the day off today in part to take a practice GRE test. And, I didn't do so hot. The very first math question threw me for a loop and it all kind of went down hill from there. It was bad enough that I actually screamed a couple of times and stomped my feet! I felt very frustrated.

I ended with a 520 in math and a 540 in verbal. In order to qualify for grad school admissions I have to do better than that. I am scheduled to take the real test next weekend. I have been studying for a couple of months, taking a break during Loaned Executive Training. I had hope the practice test today would demonstrate how well my studying had been going. Instead it left me feeling like a failure. So, I am feeling sad. And a little scared.

As a result of all this there are several voices popping off in my head. One says, "You failure, I knew you couldn't do it. No grad school for you. You suck!" Another voice says, "You should have done less blogging and more studying!" Yet another, "Well, it was the first practice test you took. You will do better next time."

Still another voice says, "I have been studying consistently." It is of course countered by, "You know you could have studied more." Then there is one is saying, "Well then, study this weekend in Rocky Point, it may not be the most fun thing to do, but it will help."

And another is busy trying to plan how I can take more practice tests, "well you could download it to your laptop, but do you want to take your laptop to Mexico? No, probably not good. You could take one in the mornings. You could take one tonight after you get back from taking the dogs to Julie's, you could take practice tests all next week, you could..." You get the point.

Unfortunately I have yet to hear the one, from the inside, that says, "It's okay Aaron, you will succeed. You need to buckle down a little bit the next week, but one bad practice test doesn't mean you will fail. And even if you do, you try again. It's okay Aaron. You are okay. I still love you. And I believe you will succeed" Okay, maybe I hear it, but it is very, very faint.

So, the perspective I have chosen is to let the voices rattle around while I run all the other errands I need to get done today. I am thinking about it while not really thinking about it. I am still sad and still scared and not exactly sure what to do. So, that is that.