From good to bad (and then good at the very end!)

Well, I am doing better than I was a few minutes ago! I was in SUPER envy mode (and probably still am) for a good hour there. I am still not in my best place right now. I am hung over from a great party last night at Suson and Jeremy's where I met some really good people including a guy who I think I could hit it off with. That was a good thing! Plus we had beer and weed so that made for a fun evening! Lots of laughing and there was me dancing. Dancing with no one watching and then everyone watching as I danced to Brittany Spears "Oops I did it again"! Craziness =) Lots of fun though, I was on display and loving it just giving all my energy, and free with myself.

I had some really good conversations...well I found some interesting people of whom I asked really good questions. I didn't necessarily find people who were interested, but then I usually don't. And that is one of those things I have accepted yet still don't like and still want to find. Anyway, I did have some fun conversations, including Suson and her friend and I laughing it up on their balcony. And, that others did not ask me questions was okay for the most part and I was okay asking others questions.

Okay, big sigh as I just realized a self delusion I play on myself. Basically it is a realization that I worked to make myself the most special person there. That everyone else is ordinary and I am special...my questions, my talking about my current internal state, my dancing =) All to make myself special and others not. Oh, whoa is me, have I learned nothing?

And this need to talk about how well I am doing, how I want to move to Europe and I am so "enlightened"; it is all confidence thing. I want people to know i am special and therefore in conversations I will talk about all my amazing transformations. It happens when I don't think people are paying attention to me or someone else is getting more attention and being more viewed as special!

And so, despite those realizations, which I probably am the only one to notice and maybe the only one to care, although I can't worry about that part, despite all that, I had a great time last night. I had a lot of fun and tried to be true to who I am right now. And who I am is someone on a path that has lead, luckily, to some wisdom about myself. I am also someone who is needy and wants others to think I am special. And, I someone who had a lot of fun last night and really tries to appreciates each person as they are. I have a lot of selfishness to me and I am also very selfless and I try to look at my actions to see where they are falling. I also think my selfishness helps me to better serve others by better being myself. I think then my selflessness comes in when I give up being in the "special" limelight and I turn my energy and attention to others (which in this frustrating paradox shows me as special and gets me the "deeper conversation" that I want so once again it is all about me, ugh!)

And, like today I am going to go help a coworker with her city council election campaign by making phone calls.

And despite all the goodness I try to see in others and despite doing my best to appreciate the people around me and the place I live. And I do! I really have been looking at both of those things through lenses of appreciation. Even while seeing what I appreciate I still, and I would be falling myself if I did not recognize and admit that I do it a lot, which is look at what is missing in Phoenix and even in the people around Phoenix. And I don't want to sell either of them short, the people or the place, because I do see all the great things they offer. I just look at it and see how there could be a different place, that, who knows, could have different people too, more my style, my temperament. And if I believe that, isn't it okay to think that would be something I want to pursue.

So when I leave the party, which was great, on a gorgeous Sunday morning, and realize that there are not people out and about, connecting, going to cafes together, walking around. If I were in Amsterdam right now, I would lose a lot of what I love and appreciate, and probably don't even know I like about Phoenix and my current state of life. I also think I would gain a lot and a lot of it, at this point in my life, would allow me to more easily be happy. I think. I don't know. That is the big risk. Giving up what you know and what you know you like, to even consider losing that, is scary, and thinking about doing it in such a dramatic fashion, fantasizing about moving to the most liberal European city, is a scary thing. And so I know so little about it. I do know about myself and I know that is me looking for what I don't have. And that is okay.

If I were in Amsterdam right now I would be walking with Beth, Max and Mokie through an outdoor market to go have a beer at our local favorite cafe. It would be fun. Lets not deny it, it would be so much fun. I don't know that I have really kept that as an important factor. I mean it is, but so much of the debate centers around what does this all mean for my psyche and my life's walk. Important stuff. But I can get to mired in that place. I am ready to move on. Not that I won't need more growth, that will never quit. Just that I am ready to enjoy some of this growth, which I have been doing, but in a way that I am just confident in it and using the energy it creates in me internally, using the positive energy I have been blessed with, to make things happen. To focus on the fun in things.

Well, I want to continue to make my life happen. And, I want to strongly consider living part of that life in Amsterdam. Because, it would be fun! Beth and i would so enjoy the lifestyle. I think it would allow us to both live very full and fun lives. I believe we would both tap into our creative sides, we would find circles to join and friends to share time, we would drink of the culture, travel to other cultures and overall create a really wonderful life for ourselves, just like we have here!